Stand Up, You

A stand up routine. Guy makes fun of girlfriend. Girlfriend is sick of it.

ANNOUNCER: Everyone give it up for Joey Jordan in the house! Our very own local Ohioian king coming to reclaim his throne from the great West Hollywood side of California!
JORDAN is walking out as ANNOUNCER is continuing.
ANNOUNCER: Joey Jordan beens making his way to the writing rooms of shows such as The Masked Singer, 19 Kids And Counting: The Trilogy, and his most decorated writing credit being The Bad Girls Club: Columbus, Ohio that won him Best Reality Show Spoof of Ohio at the Academy O-wards! He’s currently looking for work at nearby clubs as a local DJ for when his last season of his own docu-series Joey Jordan: The Truth wraps up. Say Joey Jordan, do we get to learn what the truth is before we start hiring you?
JORDAN: No. Hello everybody!
Applause.
JORDAN: Feels so good to be back. I’m here with my lovely girlfriend, Samantha! Say hi, Samantha!
SAMANTHA: Hi y’all!
JORDAN mocks Samantha’s Hi Y’all!
Applause and laughter.
JORDAN: Samantha and I have been together for 10 years. Been fucking for 6 of them. Can you believe she held out on me for all of middle school?
Applause and laughter.
JORDAN: Now, relationships are hard. And getting a first date with a girl like this- even harder!
SAMANTHA beams.
JORDAN: The other day, the bros were going on and arguing about the best place to take out a nerdy chick, one that read Harry Potter and shit. Debating whether Barnes and Noble or a library cafe was the best place for a date and I sat there thinking, do girls even know how to read?
HECKLER: I love Harry Potter!
JORDAN: Yeah girl, I bet! Wingardium Leviosa that skirt you’ve got on!
SAMANTHA: Jordan!
JORDAN: Mommy’s getting angry. You guys want to know the back-stage drama that’s just happened?
AUDIENCE: YES!
JORDAN: So, we were getting ready together, before coming out to the show. And my girlfriend was going off about unfair it is that makeup is being tested on animals and all that and that these scientists out here are immoral sons-of-bitches. And then I go… “wait honey, I think I may be a scientist.” And she goes why? And I go, “well, I was the one that bought you that lipstick. And right now, you’re looking like that joke- lipstick on a pig!” She screamed at me and ordered a separate Uber to the show after that.
Applause and Laughter.
JORDAN: No, she really isn’t a looker. She’s known about this almost all her life. She’s been cheated on three times! You would think that meant she couldn’t participate in the ball game anymore, but she stuck it out for this set of ’em!
Applause and Laughter.
HECKLER: Tell the snapchat joke!
JORDAN: I remember in high school before I was dating Samantha, girls would be on Snapchat sending streaks at midnight when they had a test tomorrow. And I said to myself, “hoes be worried about the wrong score…”
SAMANTHA (talking to herself): Don’t do it Jordan…
JORDAN: Speaking about scores, nothing makes me lose IQ points like reading the comment section of a feminist youtube video. An echo chamber of mouth breathers with hot Cheetos breath!
SAMANTHA tucks her Hot Cheetos further in her tote bag.
JORDAN: My girlfriend loves those chips, and I love them too. She actually showed them to me. She used to stick those in her hair bun like chopsticks that those Orientals use… and I’ve seen a few of them in my time, I assure you. On that same note, man, it feels good to be back home!
Applause and laughter.
JORDAN: Nah, but we were really into each other when we first met. Yeah, I remember. I used to pull on her hair bun, make her beg for mercy. Still make her do, actually.

FLASH FORWARD

JORDAN goes to his dressing room. SAMANTHA is there waiting.
SAMANTHA: I’ve got some material for you.
JORDAN: Samantha, baby, the stage is not big enough for the both of us.
JORDAN takes in SAMANTHA and gives her a big hug and kiss.
SAMANTHA: I stole this from your room. It’s a diary entry.
JORDAN: I’ll question you on why you were looking through my diary later. Go on, then. Before that time comes.
SAMANTHA: “10/12/2006.”
JORDAN: “2006. Just last year.”
SAMANTHA: “Samantha, my woman. My dawg. .”
Laughter.
SAMANTHA: Hold it. The show’s not over.
Samantha continues reading the letter.
SAMANTHA: “I owe my career to that woman. Sweet Samantha. If god were to ask why I started doing this shit in the first place, I’d give the credit to her- all of it. And it’s weird, cause she’s not that funny.”
Laughter.
SAMANTHA: “No. She’s more like a poem. Not love poem. But a poem that has street slang or one that might say the N-word in it. A messed up poem. A trailer trash kinda poem. One that would never be put on in a coffee shop and might be more of one you say after some bad sex. She doesn’t make sense on paper. She doesn’t look good in the mirror. In fact, if I were to go back in time to the day we met- I’d probably choose the other bar.”
A pause.
SAMANTHA: “But this world is anything but a poem. It ‘aint lovable or that much funny. And from my 30 years on this earth, I swear that I can’t make sense of it from either the past or future side. In this world, I say catchphrases that are too old, jump in on a line at the wrong time, repeating a bad joke at the same place. I’m stuck in the past, stuck in ways that I didn’t know I was stuck in before.”
A pause.
SAMANTHA: “But that’s where dear Samantha comes in. Cause Samantha, she is my contemporary. She makes me understand everything around me, even if it’s to her own demise. She manages to make the world so present for her. While I’m constantly trying to find my footing. And it’s torturous how I’ll never be able to catch up to you.”